I figure you all care about my adventures (am i right, or am i right?) , but I also got some questions.


Friday my friend had his 21st bday at a motel. Apparantly hella kids from around the area were also having hotel room parties cause we all got to know each other over the course of the night. The cops came...twice, not that they were gonna do anything, just trying to "scare" us, well good cause it thinned the crowd and all the people that stayed were chill.

My bf and I got an E pill each that we took. And he felt his like he should, and I guess I felt mine, but I wasn't so sure because...
a) I'm pretty friendly and open with people at parties already so it's not like I needed "help". And my bf is a lightweight haha so of course he'll feel it.
b) I had already drank a lot (although for me "a lot" isn't, cause i wasn't even tipsy) [I swear to you I can't get drunk, not that i would want to try that hard haha]
c) I have to take antibiotics (nothing serious) for the next week 2 times a day, so I had one before the party, even though I knew I'd be drinking and that makes antibiotics not work. My wondering is......because the antibiotic was probably still in my stomach or w/e, did it possibly ruin the pill? Idk....   
I'm not complaining or anything, the night was fun, just wondering if anybody has any information on such a "combination" lol.

Our friend let me and my boyfriend stay the night on the other bed, so that was cool I guess, although by the time everyone else left was 5 am. and I couldn't get to sleep at all (forgot my melatonin pills at home, hella needed that tonight to relax me). During the night some beer got spilled on my dress and it was still soaked in the morning and I had nothing else i could wear for the way home...DISGUSTING.

Yesterday my bf acquired some mdma (molly, whatever you want to call it) and he tells me we can't do it until 2 weeks pass for our seratonin to replenish and whatnot. I call bullshit haha. Last summer I did mdma so many times for nights on end and I didn't see a big difference. And we didn't even feel shitty or different the next day with our "depleted seratonin". Maybe the time restraint is good, for just that, restraint, but I really don't think it's necessary to wait two weeks, a few days sure.

Ooh and lucky me he got a bit of tar and I had my first shot in weeks and it felt yummyyy...I was good for like 3 weeks and he's been cheating...no fair, so he shared haha.

Hope you all are doing well!

I feel forgotton, like I always do when Lucas says he'll call me, and never does. So fine, this time I won't call him first, and I'll forget him for a few days, just in time for our 6 month anniversary. I've got better things to do than wait for him. I'll be kept busy with school since I'm finishing my last english course in an online program and should be done in a few weeks. Even cleaning my room is more productive than our relationship lately.

Last night Lucas stayed for only an hour, all we did was cry. He's so depressed and I feel so useless, he says he needs to be alone, but I can't just sit back and not try...except I'm afraid I just make it worse. I told him I won't call him today, and for him to call me when he's ready...not sure if he'll call me at all, and I'm itching to hear from him, but I know I should give him his space. He's said he's almost been avoiding me, because he knows when he's been with me lately it hasn't been so great between us, and wants to spare us the grief. I just miss him...well, the happy him, this Lucas i've been seeing lately is so sad :(

I've quit doing Independent Study at the adult school, and I'm hoping to enroll back in the high school's independent study program, because I honestly can't motivate myself to do my work, I need more direction, the classroom setting again. Here's to hoping things work out....it's ridiculous, I only have one english course left to do and i got my diploma, its taking me so long to do so little all by myself, I need help.

I guess on the good news, is now I've been added Monday mornings at the pet store :) Maybe i'll get added more if the owner see's I'm doing a good job. I work there all by myself on Sundays and this weekend she has things for me to do. Which is good cause there usually isn't much to do. Monday mornings is half of that shift, so much easier, and I don't have to close :)


Ooh, got to go eat, and then watch Dollhouse! :) Love that show

to do a lot of things, one of which is post on here more often...because I honestly need an outlet.

I need to get a life. honestly. i don't have one. My bf's getting sick of me, he's the only person I really talk to because I don't have any other friends...

I need to get independent, as in...not so dependent.

I need to stop wasting so much time on the internet doing absofuckinglutely nothing productive...

I need to get off my ass, and do something about it....my ass...

I need to finish my last english course and fucking get my diploma already....

I need to read some books, it's not the drugs that are killing brain cells.

Oh ya, I need to not do as much drugs...



Yay for honesty, I'm a loser. But I guess saying so on teh internetz aint so bad?

So I think if I'm going to be truly honest, I should post more privately, to my new online friends.So I hope to make a bunch of new ones, and get to know you all. I'll add you back! So from now on, I think most of my posts will be friend only.

-Maria

just checking how posting works using the jabber im client

So I haven't been on LiveJournal in a while. Been using a different blog, but I need a change, and I like the community aspect of Livejournal so I'm going to blog here.

My life these days is much brighter then when I was posting half a year ago. I like to think I don't have an eating disorder anymore, because I don't binge or starve myself anymore, and I am much more confident in my body image too :) I'm not sure exactly how much I weigh at the moment, and I don't really care, I just know that I'm around 125-130 and I feel healthy (I'm 5 foot 5 and half or so). I credit this change in attitude primarily because of my almost 5 month relationship with my boyfriend Lucas. He makes me feel beautiful and never lets me forget it. I love him to bits <3

My username doesn't apply to me anymore, as it was created to refer to my ED, but I can't change it without starting a whole new blog, and I don't want to bother with that. At least it's unique and has my name in it, and no numbers...so that's cool haha.

I'm in my senior year of highschool, and I'm finishing my last few credits in Independent Study, so I go into a class once a week and do all my work at home. My class is coming up on wednesday, and I'm planning on finishing my History course by then (need 15 more hours, so I'm cramming!) Then all I have left to do is an English course and I'll be done! And then in the fall I'm going to the local community college (for anybody skeptical I am happy to go and believe it is the best route too).

So I just wanted to do a little update, probably going to post more tonight. I really do want to keep up with a blog. I really do enjoy writing, and it's nice to get feedback from other people. I want to be your friend! Won't you be mine? :)

-M

File lost, file found, happy boss.

Hah.

It'll be too much of a hassle for me to post on here as well. I'm only really here for the communities that can support me.

My blog can be found: http://anamariamia.blogspot.com/

July 2008

Why I created this blog

Because I strive to be thin.

Reasons to be THIN

So I can go outside in shorts and not be embarassed by my fat thighs.

So I will look like a supermodel in my bikini. In fact, I'll be able to look good in any bikini in the store.

So people will stare at ME and think "If only I was that thin"

So that I wont be ashamed by my imperfections.

So that I wont be thought of as one of the statistics of obese America.

So I will see a difference between myself months ago and myself minutes ago.

So I will have confidence in knowing that I look good.

So my thighs wont touch when I sit down.

So when I moisturize my legs they don’t jiggle.

So my breasts would be more perky.

So I wouldn't have to look for a bigger size in the department store.

So my mother wont nag about me gaining weight or eating fattening foods.

So I wont have stretch marks.

So that I wont be the sidekick to my beautiful friend, I will be more attractive.

So I can have higher self esteem.

So I can motivate myself to achieve any goal I set my mind too.

So that I can fit into a size small rather than an average mediocre medium.

So that eventually I will attain my ideal weight and i wont have to starve or purge as much.

I want...

Small wrists and skinny arms.

Thighs that don't touch nor jiggle.

Flat stomach, toned body.

Hipbones, collarbones.

A beautiful, delicate, elegant frame.

August 2008

This is embarassing...

I am almost a size 7 in jeans, around 135 lbs, I am 5 feet and 6 and a half inches in height.

My BMI is 21.8, EW. If i get to 115 pounds, my BMI will be 18.3 :) So thats my goal, to be 115 pounds. Phew, feels better to have a goal weight.

Its breakfast time. Im gonna make myself a little cereal with soy milk and some blueberries or some other fruit. I need to take my vitamins too. I should eat some tofu later today, cause I have half a block still in the fridge and it barely has any calories and really fills you up with the protein in it. I have to drink lots more water too. Right now I'm drinking this imitation vitamin water, that is flavored but doesn't have calories, also has vitamins so thats good.
I think the calories are going to be around 150-200 for my breakfast. I'll make some tofu inspired meal later today.


Not sure if I'm going to be leaving the house today, but inside the house, I have a lot of exercising things to do. Like cleaning my room, putting up my wall collage, laundry, and doing some work. I just need to be moving around, burning calories.
I'm not going to eat my second meal until all those things are done. Thats a good way to motivate myself to actually do my to-do list.

Well im off for some cereal, update later.

After breakfast.

I think I poured too much cereal in my bowl, and when I checked the calories on the box it was 150! Ew, I thought it was one of those healthy cereals. Im eating it now, I have a blueberry with every spoonful. I'm going to have to compensate eating too much food with a bit more exercise. I'll see how much I've done, by later today.

Oh and I also got myself a rubber band for my wrist for whenever I think of food. I've decided to snap it after every bite of my stupidly big breakfast. I need a few more bracelets on my arm so that the rubber band wont be as noticeable. Like a red one haha :D

School is going to start in a couple of weeks. I wanna be much thinner by then. I dont know how much i'll lose per day/week by then though, so I can't estimate :/ And then when school starts I'll be up and about more often, thinking harder, more motivated to get thinner :) . Apparantly studying burns a lot more calories. So I will have that much more reason to be a good student.

I dont know exactly how much I weigh at the moment because I cant find the scale. I think it was broken, but I have to figure out a good way of asking my mother where it is, also where the measurement tape is, gotta be sneaky. I remember I was 140lbs a few weeks ago, but since then I got strep throat or mono or something so I was at home not eating very much (it hurt like hell to swallow with my tonsils being swollen)


BTW, ive been a vegan since last November. It has its health benefits too, as well as the animal rights reasons that started me on the path. Its also really good for the environment to be a vegan.

The good thing about me being vegan, is that my parents dont force that much food at me, before I would have to eat what they were all eating, since going vegan I've just been cooking for myself which is fine. Especially now a days, they just dont pay as much attention to it. I'm going to be careful to eat when they are around, so they won't notice that I'm not eating as much.


Oooh, im going to make a miso soup later today. I have tofu I can turn into cubes, and then I have vegetable broth cubes, and leeks I can put in. And I'll make a big enough portion that I'll have leftovers for tomorrow.

I have foods in the fridge that I dont want to spoil (cause i bought them, and they are strict vegan foods that no one in the house eats). So I have eat all those first. In general vegan foods/substitutes, have less calories :D


Oh and next wednesday I want to go down to santa cruz to visit my bestie J. I'll probably bring my swimsuit. I wanna see how much weight I can lose by then and I'll look better in it. The thing I'm worrying about is alcohol consumption. Doesn't beer have a lot of calories? I have a high tolerance anyways...so beer doesn't even do much for me and its annoying. Maybe I can just purge? But its a liquid, sigh...I should get some laxatives. Prescription free ones, i guess, i dont know what types there are.

Ah! I wanted to go to the store, to get some things. I'll try and get that too.

Also, Zoloft. I have a prescription for it, but I'm not sure if I want to take it. I had my doubts before, but even more now. Apparently they use it to treat eating disorders too. I dont think I have an eating disorder, but I dont want it to change my mind on me losing some weight. I'll still be a fat cow on or off zoloft! I'm supposed to be using it to treat some ADD and anxiety and a little depression. I suppose it won't be the worst thing in the world if I just try it. Going to have to actually get around to doing that, oh it scares me :/

Thoughts ideas? Comment :)

My stomach was rumbling a lot today

I got used to it :) Smoked a few ciggies while out with my friends to curb my hunger too.

Didn't bother with the miso soup idea. I'll do that tomorrow, less eating today :D

Its good to be out with friends cause I can just say i dont have money to buy food anyway, and we are always moving and walking around so that burns calories.

Gonna go get some tea now.

*snaps the band* imnothungryimnothungry

Cheated a bit...

Didn't really plan on eating, but i ate a little of this vegetable medley thingy. I ate it in front of my mom, and not that much, plus its veggies so I guess its okay. I shouldn't jump right into starvation after being in recovery for so long. I put some soymilk in with my tea, and didn't add no sugar.

Total calories today were probably like 600.

I wanna go on the 2-4-6-8 diet soon. Probably after I go to santa cruz, cause im not exactly sure how im going to be eating there. Will update definatly when i'm there.



Update....okay, im a fat ass, ate more of it. Maybe i should just purge it? I'm not very good with controlling myself apparantly...
I dont want to wake anybody up, that would be way too risky. I'm just gonna go back upstairs to my room and do some work. Tomorrow I will only eat the miso soup, if I don't then I'll think of a good punishment.

 

Can't sleep...

I don't know why...
I shouldn't have stayed up so late thats for sure. Its 7 am already geez. I came home before 1 am and then I was writing, drinking some tea, eating a bit(ugh being a fat cow). I was playing this stupid online game till like 5 am and then I was writing for a while and then for the past 30 minutes I've been trying to sleep.

For some reason I always get to sleep quicker when I'm facing east, towards my window which faces north. Is this some form of zen room alignment or something? Huh...maybe I've just tricked myself into thinking that.

Also for some reason my left leg is a little numb or sore. I dont think I did anything special to it though, probably nothing.

I shouldn't have eaten that big meal too, maybe thats why I can't eat.

So what do I do?
I was thinking about going outside for a run, but I don't think that would be a good idea right now as I don't want my parents noticing.

I guess I should just stay up and keep busy. I'll skip breakfast and just make my miso soup for lunch and eat that in the middle of the day and thats it.

To-do for today:
- Go through magazine collection, cut out pictures you like, when down with magazine throw away.
- Clean desk, so that you can actually put your laptop on it and not have to sit on your bed all day.
- Do the work for you job on your newly cleaned desk! Too much slacking off. You need money already.
- Take notes on literature [Stuff from online you've and your own personal books]
- Find your sketch notebook and immerse yourself in drawing when you have the urge to eat. Or paint your nails. Or moisturize. Or something else that could involve grooming, drink water and exercise.
- Exercise! Yes. You probably won't bother running outside, so stay inside and do crunches and leg exercises too.
- Clean your bedside table so you only have books you are currently reading/researching, easier access for taking notes.
- Where is your music journal? Find it and use it!
- Miso Soup
- Laundry
- Get around to organizing the drawers in your room, probably will be left for tomorrow as its a tedious task, but at least start on it.
- Hang out with friends later tonight, as a reward for all your progress today. Seriously access if you deserve this reward before you go out.
-When you are on your laptop, unplug it. When it starts to say that there is 10 percent battery, finish what you are doing, close it and plug it in, this way you can pace yourself and not get lost in the internet and waste time! You know you do it tooooo much. This is a good method. Do something else on the list until your laptop is fully charged again (which should be half an hour, so keep busy for a couple of hours).

Woo thats a list...

As long as your always doing something its okay if things get left over for tomorrow, as long as you've been productive and actually did stuff [not being a lazy ass] then its been a good day. Will keep you busy from thinking about food too and it'll be that much easier to get through this day.

Also Reminders:
Drink water!
Vitamins!
Exercise periodically.
Snap band if think of food or realize you are slacking off.

Right now I'm going to start on the magazines, and if that makes too much noise, I'll take notes on stuff or read my books.

---
Haha just thought about if my legs get thinner my feet will look bigger, oh well.

Grandpa came over with a pizza

I ate a few fattening bites and then I threw it in the trash when he left. He saw me eat one bite, I didn't have to eat the other ones. I wanted to purge but then I realized I had medication in me at the moment (Started Zoloft finally, will see how it goes), airborne, a stress relief tablet(cause i couldn't sleep and it was supposed to make me go to sleep although I decided to just stay up), and some cold medication (cause im sick at the moment from like two weeks ago when I got strep throat). I'm going to make miso soup much later tonight, if at all. Probably just going to drink a coke.

My boss emailed me today, saying that I should meet him for work this evening. That means I have to get a lot of work done beforehand because I HAVEN'T BEEN WORKING AND WAS BEING A FAT LARD ASS. So right now, I'm organizing things and going to continue working after this update.


From now on, I'm keeping this blog strictly diet related, I don't need to conflict other personal things with my thinspiration blog.

I binged yesterday.

And then I couldn't bring myself to purge. It's really hard to do, I suppose gets better with "practice", but I would rather not have to practice at all if I just don't mess up for a change!

I ate too too too much. I'm ashamed to even write any of the millions of things I ate. I feel like I lost sight of everything. I've probably gained back anything I've lost. Ugh!

But then when I was thinking last night, I probably jump started my metabolism or something. So today I'm not gonna eat a thing. Except I just realized I ate a little tomato a few minutes ago, how can I not think! *snapsbandsnapsbandsnapsband* Anyway, that’s okay, one little mishap. Not going to continue making mistakes today.

I'm going to be working soon with my boss for a few hours, and then I'm gonna head over to the library, so that I can be away from food and also find something to research :D I can treat myself with coffee later on, ooh! I have my starbucks thermostat with me (although filled with tea at the moment).

I also have a bit of a thinspiration journal, but I'm not sure if I'm going to even need it, seeing as I blog often enough.

When I read about what other girls do...

I'm surprised by the measures that they go to attain their goal, but then I realize that I do it too.

I'm going to do the 2-4-6-8 diet

Full diet explained

What I am doing right now:

The Four Day Fast [a.k.a. “0”]

At the beginning of the cycle, fast for four days, drinking only low calorie caffeinated drinks and water. Be sure to stay hydrated, and exceed no more than half an hour of exercise.

Plans for tomorrow:

Only drink tea, water and vegetable broth [two cubes probably]

I'm gonna be busy because tomorrow I'm going the mall with a friend to watch a movie and then shop.
So that is distracting, and then I'll probably hang out with different friends later in the night.
I think I'll make the broth in the morning.

You know what, maybe I should just get around to making the miso soup. Tofu really doesn't have much calories and leeks are healthy and fat free and low calorie. I'll make that in the morning, and then I will do work and then I'll hang out with my friends :D

Was on blogger: http://anamariamia.blogspot.com/

I'll compile all my posts and put them up.